Tough Stuff

You know when i write a blog post like this that it was a tough day..

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ways i've improved/changed

-I haven't cried after class in.. well, at least a month.

-I'm LESS afraid of meetings with parents and RSPs

-"there is no 'should be', only what 'is'"

-I (try to) focus on the help that others are giving me rather than the help that I think I am not getting

I write because...

"I love her, but... when we talk, she makes me think too much. It kinda makes my head hurt."

--Quote about me, as said by a good friend, which was not intended for my ears

Verbiage

I write because...

folks think I'm too serious as it is,

because I always rehearse stories in my head before telling 'em,

and I'm over sensitive if you don't listen a certain way,

and neither of us seem to have the time of day to converse rather than chat,

and because the words never come out right the first time.

I write because my thoughts are unfinished and connected to previous thoughts,

and it seems to be too much work for anyone to get caught up in anyone else's ever-forming story.

I write because...

Revised

5 Abstract Steps to Teaching (or: 5 Concrete Steps to Living)

- - -

Step 1.

Reflect. Know your values. Trust yourself.

Step 2.

Plan. Make careful decisions; have trust in your decisions.

Step 2.

Act. Have the courage to act upon your decisions.

Step 4.

Commit. Learn from your actions and how it influences others.

Step 5.

Revise. Have the courage to act upon what you learn.

- - -

Repeat as necessary.

Strangers in my Dream

I had quite an intense dream a few days ago.

I'm talkin' being able to physically feel objects in my dream, feeling flooded with emotions -- guilt, happiness, ecstasy, confusion -- story lines, allusions to "real life"/"waking life" (whatever you wanna call it), allusions to other dreams...

And you know, they say that we don't dream about strangers, but there were definitely strangers in my dream. I don't know how they got there, but I don't care what anyone says, they were definitely there and talking to me.

I'm also convinced that the friends/non-strangers who were in my dream had to have dreamt about me too that night because there's no way that they could have been that present, that realistic, and that interactive with me unless our brainwaves were somehow in sync with each others'.

There's no way that this entire world was constructed by me alone nor does this world exist only in my head: it was too realistic and called upon creativity and use of visual memory far beyond my own capabilities! Plus, how do you explain my having strangers in my dream?

Someone is trying to plant an idea in my head. Yeah, that's probably it.

Less than Superhuman

The following post was written on Jan 23, 2011. I was too embarrassed to publish it at the time, but I'm so excited for this weekend that I don't mind posting this anymore. Without much further ado, here it is: my insecurities and naïvete.

= = =

Lately, I've caught myself inviting friends to run with me and telling friends about the upcoming running festival.

Sadly, It's starting to get on people's nerves.

It's just that it's all I can think about. I keep thinking, "if I can do it" -- small, non-athletic, weakling, me -- then surely "you can too".

They tell me that they can't run 13 miles. Well, yeah, I can't either. Not yet, anyway. The point is that we work towards it. And you know what? I really don't know what's going to happen on race day. I don't even care. At first, I'll admit, I was in it for the medal. Haha. Maybe the t-shirt. But now, I'm in it for the training. The process feels so good! It feels good to have something in my schedule to look forward to. It feels good to be active. It feels good to try push myself in an arena where I never though I'd be. It feels good to achieve a short-term goal and then look at my schedule and ask, "what's next?".

This is why I invite others to join me.

I always saw runners and joggers as somewhat non-human, somewhat superhuman... mostly alien. I mean, right?! They wear funny clothes and run, run, run to no particular destination.

And now, I realize -- oh. They're people. And running is possible. And running is hard for them like it's hard for me (though to varying degrees). They do it well because they practice and work hard at it. This is a key point that never really occurred to me.

So maybe I can't run like them, but I can practice and work hard at it like they do and enjoy myself in the process.

Stealing from Friends

When I was a child, I overheard my parents lamenting to each other about how sadly impressionable I was. Apparently, they saw me as one who follows the actions of others, succumbs easily to peer pressures, and basically is a naive copy cat. So sad.

Sad that they thought this of me and sad that I overheard this conversation. Maybe it was all even true. I don't know.

When I look at my friends today, I notice that yes, I do have a lot in common with them. Am I the aggregate sum of my closest friends? Can the same be said for many people... or do I really have no identity of my own?

OBVIOUSLY right now you are thinking to yourself, "No, April, you are friends with people who share common interests as you. You gravitate towards people who have things in common with you."

I wish. In truth, I am friends with the people who are closest to me in proximity.

Go ahead. Let that sink and settle in your brain for a moment.

Upbeat, upbeat, upbeat...

Growing up, I would frequently be confused by a certain person who shall remain anonymous for the following reason:

Anonymous would ask me to do a Thing -- it doesn't matter what this Thing is/was -- which, OK, I would not do the Thing Right Then and There because my priorities lay elsewhere. "I'll do it Later," I'd say, "I just have this Other Thing that I need to do..."

Some moment between Right Then and There and Later, Anonymous would do the Thing him/herself. Then Anonymous would proceed to 1) get upset with me for not doing the Thing Right Then and There and 2) be upset for doing the Thing him/herself on top of all the Other Things that he/she had to do.

C'mon now. That's just not fair.

The Second Good-bye

You say good bye, jump in your car, and drive off to college for the first time. You glance in your rear view mirror -- your childhood friends followed you outside of the house and are now waving good-bye from the driveway.

You pass through security for what feels like the millionth time, glance down at your boarding ticket and up at the gate number signs, and gather your belongings. You do a quick shoulder check -- Mom and Dad are still standing there... waving good-bye.

You give 'em a quick hug and a kiss, ask them again if they have their IDs, and tell them to call you when the land. You wait as your sisters walk through security; you intend to wait until they walk around the corner and out of sight. As they walk away, without warning, they turn around. They wave good-bye.

He kisses you and hugs you in the car as you pull up to the curb. You ask him to pop the trunk so you can grab your luggage. He does so, then steps out of the driver seat and walks around back to take your luggage out for you. He hands you your suitcase and hugs you again, longer this time.

= = =

There's something about those second good-byes that grip at my heart harder than the firsts. It's like the first good-bye is for acknowledging that you or they are leaving... the second one is for saying "I love you", "please take care", and "I'll miss you" all at once.

Run run

12.6 miles today. Hayyyyyy.

Half-marathon ready!

Run Post

I've been lagging on keeping track of my progress.

Personal Records.

My longest run to date was a 10-miler last Saturday. It felt fine despite the fact that I was running on 5 hours of sleep and did not have time to drink my morning coffee.

My longest solo run was 5 miles. To be honest, 5 miles doesn't feel very different from 4 miles. My favorite 5-mi path so far is a round trip from home up Ohlone Greenway to Solano Ave. I take the first couple of miles one at a time with 1-min walk/stretch break in between, then run the last 3 miles nonstop. The only two traffic light intersections to worry about are at University Ave. and Marin Ave.

Meditation Hour.

I'm pushing my body to new limits, yes, but I also never thought I'd be able to mentally sustain myself for an hour of solo running. A friend recommended to me that I let my my mind wander during these solo runs. On the contrary, I found that I enjoy focusing my thoughts like on things like...

Goals for the Day:

1. Cut off activity at a sensible time, regardless of whether or not everyone has finished the activity.
2. Make Think-Pair-Share the main activity of the day in order to direct students' talking and chattering in a productive manner.

How I will Achieve My Goals:

By not thinking about how much fun this weekend was. Focusing on the moment. And not thinking about how much work I have this week.