If it weren't for the fact that a handful of loved ones subscribe to my tweets on their mobile device, I'd tweet:

ugh.

/whine post.

City Run

Franklin afraid of thunder.

The earth has been thirsty for the past several days and the sky has been generous. I haven't seen the sun break through the thick rainclouds in at least three days now.

This change in climate has been a merciful reprieve from an 80-degree, mostly sunny winter. As I write this blog post, thunder is rolling, lightening is flashing, and an anxious dachsund is curled up next to me in my dark room. My windows are rattling and plaster walls shaking not only from the strong wind, but the roaring thunder. Don't worry, Franklin, God is just bowling right now; judging by the flashes of lightening, He seems to be cosmic bowling.

The weather was so 'nice' today (cool, overcast, and wet), that I decided to go for a late afternoon run--a feat I have not accomplished since I arrived 3 months ago.

When I moved to Hawai'i, I imagined that I would fill my days with routine, sunny beachside runs. I'll tan and get fit at the same time, I thought; I'll rip off my running clothes and leap into the clear ocean in my sweat-soaked bathing suit, I thought. Hah! These have remained unrealized dreams for many reasons: 1) I don't live on the beach, 2) it's too hot to run during regular waking hours, and 3) I've been lazy. In the rare case that I have set out to experience the familiar runner's euphoria, I often felt cheated because of my strange, suburban backdrop. My usual crazed hamster laps around my cookie cutter neighborhood of standardized military housing cause me paranoia--the quiet streets feel volatile rather than calm; neighbors pretend to ignore passerbys while watching curiously. Such runs do little to free my mind.

Today, I inched away from this strangely placed suburban pocket toward town. I ran in the rain on a long, flat, straightaway alongside a highway and underneath the protection of, of all things, a freeway. This was during rush hour (a time when, in Honolulu, driving 5 miles could mean up to an hour in traffic, a.k.a. my daily commute). The hum, buzz, whirr, purr, and occasional roar of traffic sounds proved to be better company than the anxious silence of my neighborhood. I allowed the sounds to fill the crevices of my mind. I let myself forget in what city and in what state I was running. I welcomed the invisibility of being one in hundreds of people, all of whom were distracted with thoughts of work, family, and the task of driving.

During my run, I thought of everything and nothing. Afterwards, I felt compelled to write everything that came to mind. Of course, to do so is difficult when all thoughts while running are lost while running. The needling urge to write remains, but my thoughts need to be re-pieced together.

I'll say this much for now: I'm happy to be inspired again and encouraged in knowing that more inspiration awaits me.

Connections

As of late, I've been chugging along track by track
No push or pull, no map at hand
Embers aglow in my firebox, waiting

I'm a wanderer, even lost
Not sure what I'm in search of, no longer searching
Let the tracks take me where they lead.

And then I caught a glimpse; a peek of me -- myself.
The old me, the new me, the future me:
the alive, awake, inspired me

Too vain to say our meeting was like looking in a mirror
Much truer to say I found a soul
whom I've somehow known all along

As Per Request...

A blog post.

I've been composing blog posts in my head daily, as I have done for the past ~10 years of my life, but I haven't been good about immortalizing these mental blog posts. Sorry. I feel less motivated to construct stories of my life in a blog read by friends when I already spend hours on the phone with friends/family on the mainland.

Here I am anyway. Hello!

Here I am in Hawai'i.. working two part time jobs that I just kind of fell into, with no one but a handful of acquaintances to keep me company, living with my awesome parents, and driving all about the island oftentimes by myself in search of new adventures, again, by myself.

I've never been happier.

I love the music. I love the friendly people. I love being able to be by myself and not feel self conscious about being by myself. I love hiking and swimming at the beach. I love never having to wear pants, socks, or shoes. I love meeting people from all over the world.

I feel so light. I feel light for not having to wear heavy clothes. I feel light for eating less fast food and more fruits. I feel light for not having a lot of my things here with me (I moved to Hawai'i with about 2 suitcases worth of earthly possessions). I feel light for having the time and motivation to work out. I feel light for practicing teaching in tiny, bite-sized classrooms. I love you, friends, but I feel light for being off on my own and not having to "schedule" or "pencil in" dinner dates or quickie coffee dates to catch up or keep up with anyone.

I attended a yoga class today. The scene could have been straight out of "Forgetting Sarah Marshall", except the class only had four students including myself. Marvelous.

I attended a boxing class last week. There were some buff homies and homettes up in that joint. Maybe I'll be one of them one day.

If I leave Hawai'i having learned only two lifelong skills, I'll be happy if it were boxing and open-water swimming.

Oh, and I'm taking a Japanese class. OK, if I leave Hawai'i having learned only three lifelong skills... I hope speaking Japanese makes it on that list.

Meanwhile, the pursuit for jobs abroad continues. I have an interview next week to teach in Japan. I hope they like me! At least, enough to give me a job.

Speaking of jobs--time for bed. Well, read and then sleep. I'm currently reading Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. It's pretty addictive. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing, considering that it's over 700 pages long. More about that later.

Konbanwa!

To Be One in a Hundred Thousand Extraordinaries

"Don't think you're too young. You can change the world. Any day. Start now. Start today." 

"...whatever you want, chase after it with everything that you have not because of the fame or the fortune but solely because that's what you believe in, because that's what makes your heart sing, that's what your dance is." 

"In the small, anonymous, monotonous, every single day acts, I have to remind myself to be extraordinary. And believe me, when the doors closed and the cameras are off, it's tough. But if there's one thing that I want to drive home to you... it's that it's the acts that make us extroadinary, not the Oprah moments."

= = =

I am often critiqued by well-meaning loved ones for setting personal goals that are too lofty for a single young person, and maybe they're right. Maybe I need to get better at making personal goals. Or at least get better at not being so devastated or impatient with myself when I falter on achieving my goals.

Change - big change - takes time and patience. I'm willing to spend both in order to reach my dreams. I do not seek recognition for milestone moments or accomplishments. I want to be one in a hundred thousand extraordinaries. I want to be a teacher and a writer of some sort... I am not going to be the best there ever was, if any good at all, but it's what I want to do. It's not going to happen over night. Growth will be slow, unsteady, barely visible in the every day acts, and sometimes even painful. I'm willing to do what it takes, though, even if it means humbling myself when the going gets tough.

Just gotta keep moving.

For now, I have secured two temporary part-time teaching jobs. I start this week. I'm nervous and excited; I also find myself weary of getting too attached to coworkers or students. Regardless of all these feelings, time marches forward and change continues to take place in me and around me. Let's go, 2012. What 'chu got for me?