Ever After

...happily and romantically, I'm sure of it.

Do you ever play and replay love stories in your head of times that happened, that will never happen, that you wish never happened, and that just may still have a chance of happening?

I have... I still do. In those instances, I'm sometimes met by nostalgia, longing, confusion, guilt, and even butterflies.

It's fun to play with the what-if(s) and reply the what-did(s); for me, I'm able to learn more about myself, how I've changed, and what I'm looking for in a SO.

Also, it fills me with the satisfaction that everything happens for a reason, the gratification that comes from knowing that once in a while, the stars do align in my favor, and the faith that sounds like: 'hey, if things have worked out this well so far, why not have a happily-ever-after?'

Yes, I am convinced that my life is one epic love story.




quotable:

A: "...smiling makes me really happy..."
L: "Your smile makes me happy."

The Amazing Race

With it being PCN season and all, I feel bad for feeling this way. But so be it.

I don't understand this strategy of making friends by searching for the Filipino community on campus, and then automatically assuming that y'all are cool.

To be quite honest, it breaks my heart a little that you would do that. It makes me pretty damn uncomfortable.

To each their own, I guess. To me, it just seems so cliquey... immature... exclusive... racist.. presumptuous... unfortunate...

...Is that why you're friends with me? Because I'm Filipina? Or maybe you see something more in me. But were I not Filipina, would you not have given me the time of day?

Within my own family, I am proud to be a Filipina. Among my Filipino peers, it makes me uneasy. Talk about stereotypes - it's in these groups that I feel categorized the most. Outside of that circle, I'm just me -- I get to choose. I'm a Berkeley student. Catholic. Peace & Conflict Studies Major. Sister. Friend. Roommate.

It's alright, I suppose. Just one more year of pretending that I feel like I belong to this Filipino-American community. Until then, you like me. I'll even pretend that it's for more reasons than the color of my skin.

Email

...convenient, but very annoying when everyone insists that their days-long email is "IMPORTANT" must be read "IMMEDIATELY" and "READ ALL THE WAY THROUGH" with a "PLEASE REPLY A.S.A.P."


...nowadays, for a quick email, I tell folks everything they need to know in the Subject line.


...or I send a text message. Sorry if you don't get unlimited text.

Ramblings

• He speaks in starts and stops. He makes an odd clicking sound as though to mark a break between the end of fleeting thought and the beginning of a segmented sentence. He is nervous, though I don't know why. It makes me anxious.
• She pauses for open-ended questions. She asks questions in a way that suggests correct answers, but perhaps she's just looking for agreement from us. I feel uncomfortable in the silence that follows one unanswered question, so I reply.
• She speaks quickly. She yells until her voice is hoarse; it hurts my ears. She speaks with a lot of pronouns. I listen for as long as I can, but almost subconsciously zone her out when her ideas all begin to blend together...
• She speaks with a lot of "stuff", "and like", "things like that", "you know what I mean?". I lost what she was trying to say.

How do I come across as a public speaker? I listened to myself speak. I projected my voice and tried to speak authoritatively; I noticed that I have a pretty low voice for a girl that barely stands over 5 ft. tall. I spoke very quickly because I get impatient when others around me speak too slowly. Can they understand my words though? Their faces were expressionless. One woman smiled when I made eye contact with her. How nice of her. One man remained stone-faced, as though he was critiquing my every word in his head. I avoided his gaze. I told a few jokes; they laughed. Did I gesture too wildly? I wanted to command their attention to me, I was afraid that I would disappear if I stood too still. I wanted my hands to frame my words -- I admit, I'm self-conscious my English when I speak. Did I smiling enough? I needed to concentrate on my sentences, or else my mouth would run off so quickly that my head cannot keep up. I smiled. Does my smile look fake? I should think of happy thoughts, maybe that will help. 'Stop apologizing,' is what I tell myself instead. Say 'excuse me', it's more ambiguous. Nod. Raise eyebrows. Oops, I said "like". And then I said "rep". Maybe it was OK, there are a lot of high school kids in the crowd. I ended on a faster pace than ever, my ideas now seemed unrelated except for the fact that it's everything that I wanted to squeeze into the end.

They applauded. They thanked me. They went on their way.

Constructive criticisms are appreciated.

Why are you so angry?

When you tell me that you don't care, what I hear is "I don't know".
Apathy = ignorance + laziness.

You say "nobody", but you really mean you. I care, and I'm a somebody.