Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
6.16.2011
The Trying Skin I'm In
I'm finding it difficult to concentrate. In a good way. A great way.
First I said good-bye. Now I'm saying hello. And thank you for helping me try on a different skin. I'm even going to keep some of these new traits.
The togetherness helped me figure out who I am not. The togetherness also blinded me from what I thought I hated about myself; I buried away these things because it seemed like the right thing to do for you.
The separation is helping me figure out who I always was; it also made me see that I love these things about myself. I'm sorry that you didn't.
I was deep. I was emotional. I was poetic. I believed in romantic, corny, overwhelming, earth-shattering, heaven-sent love. I knew what love was. I trusted in love even though I knew it hurt me sometimes. I wrote about my feelings. I prayed to and trusted in God. I believed in deep connections and meaningful relationships. I fought angrily and forgave whole-heartedly.
And then I put that all away because I thought I was being childish. I thought it was time to grow up.
Now that I'm grown up, I realize that it's OK to be me. It's OK to be that side of me. Before the togetherness, I didn't recognize those traits in me. Now, I see it and I like it. I love it. Me. Someone will take me for who I am. And even if no one does, that's OK, too.
And something else: they call it 'serial long-term relationships'. They say it like it's a bad thing. Well, if this is bad, then I don't want to be good. It's what I do. I try and try again. It comes with the package of being emotional, hopeful, self-indulgent, and poetic. Some find themselves in solitude while others do so hand-in-hand with the right person.
Sometimes the trouble is in finding the right person.
Sometimes the special thing about finding the right person is you find them when you weren't searching for them because you were only searching for yourself. Sometimes you find them when you were searching for yourself because they've known the real you that you've been looking for all along.
Just sometimes, though. Not all the time. I'm just dreaming up fantasies here.
First I said good-bye. Now I'm saying hello. And thank you for helping me try on a different skin. I'm even going to keep some of these new traits.
The togetherness helped me figure out who I am not. The togetherness also blinded me from what I thought I hated about myself; I buried away these things because it seemed like the right thing to do for you.
The separation is helping me figure out who I always was; it also made me see that I love these things about myself. I'm sorry that you didn't.
I was deep. I was emotional. I was poetic. I believed in romantic, corny, overwhelming, earth-shattering, heaven-sent love. I knew what love was. I trusted in love even though I knew it hurt me sometimes. I wrote about my feelings. I prayed to and trusted in God. I believed in deep connections and meaningful relationships. I fought angrily and forgave whole-heartedly.
And then I put that all away because I thought I was being childish. I thought it was time to grow up.
Now that I'm grown up, I realize that it's OK to be me. It's OK to be that side of me. Before the togetherness, I didn't recognize those traits in me. Now, I see it and I like it. I love it. Me. Someone will take me for who I am. And even if no one does, that's OK, too.
And something else: they call it 'serial long-term relationships'. They say it like it's a bad thing. Well, if this is bad, then I don't want to be good. It's what I do. I try and try again. It comes with the package of being emotional, hopeful, self-indulgent, and poetic. Some find themselves in solitude while others do so hand-in-hand with the right person.
Sometimes the trouble is in finding the right person.
Sometimes the special thing about finding the right person is you find them when you weren't searching for them because you were only searching for yourself. Sometimes you find them when you were searching for yourself because they've known the real you that you've been looking for all along.
Just sometimes, though. Not all the time. I'm just dreaming up fantasies here.
6.15.2011
To Err is Human
I suppose that if everyone makes mistakes, it's how you vindicate or humble yourself afterwards that is the true test of character.
And friendship.
---
And friendship.
---
4.25.2011
4.21.2011
This is a Love Note
Pounding pavement, running harder than ever
Venting into the wind about those which affect us most:
Teaching and issues of injustice
Talking politics while huffing and puffing
I pause only to look up into the rain, to feel it on my face
I vaguely consider removing more layers altogether to welcome the falling droplets
But I'm distracted by our intense conversation
And, of course, by the running.
After 30 minutes, you suggest that we call it a night, but I beg,
"Please... just 3 more miles?" And you say yes.
Thanks, Ms. Kwon, for tonight, for being my life coach, for feeding me, for teaching me how to cook, and, finally, for the fact that the day after I shared my blog URL with you, my numbers jumped to 30 hits in a day.
Photo Credit: oopsilon via Panoramio.
7.09.2009
Human Love
This is a response to a good friend of mine, to whom I'd like to respectfully disagree that love is not a label nor is it a conglomerate of feelings. Love is an action. When "I love you", it's something I do. How I feel for you carries no weight until I've done something about it, like called to see that you've made it home alright, or until I've asked about your morning, your day, your late afternoon, and your evening all over a late homemade dinner. Conversely, if I make you happy, excited, curious, nervous, proud, elated, then it is what it is, but you aren't loving me until you've done it. One can love romantically, filially, and friendlily.Love exists, but it's like a good jump shot: it begins with the follow-through.
5.28.2009
A Day in the Life
I woke up this morning intending to go grocery shopping
and perhaps do some laundry, but you know, it's summer,
and my hours of productivity range anywhere from
6 in the morning to 3 in the morning because
there's more sunlight and because
your friends are happier and available at more hours of the day and
that's just the way that it is sometimes,
so I didn't get up right away and
instead lay in bed for a while but
I had breakfast with Lenny, and
he helped me clean the apartment a bit and
Sometimes your best memories come out of those late mornings when
it's just you and your S.O. in an empty apartment
cleaning
and
that's just the way that it is sometimes.
And then we left for work and school and
we thought we were going to be late and
I did not want to inconvenience a colleague eager to end their shift and
It was my first day working the front desk and
I was a little anxious but
I wasn't late, my colleague was not inconvenienced, and my anxieties were calmed
That's just the way it is sometimes.
My shift came to an end, and then my colleague was late but
I didn't mind and
I stuck around for a bit while he showed me his bead work and
Told me about his family and
His plans for the summer;
I was hungry and eager to get to the rest of my day but
I learned about him and
He asked me if I was busy later and
I think it was worth it to get to know him because
I made a new friend and he made a new friend and
I was too busy to hang out tonight but
We have all summer and
That's just the way it is sometimes.
So I started to walk home in my feaux hawk and work polo
I got a few stares but
Not too many
Funny how that works - I dress to stand out, in all the right ways, yet
In Berkeley it doesn't matter all that much because we all stand out in all different ways and
That's just the way it is sometimes.
I walked down Shattuck and saw a candy wrapper on the floor
Butterfinger
Bright yellow paper, crumpled and torn and
Right away I thought of my childhood
In those days, I'd be torn myself between
A bright yellow wrapper holding a delicious Butterfinger and
A papery blue wrapper holding a less delicious Crunch bar which
I always thought was Shaq's favorite bar
After all, he was in those commercials and
I wanted to be just like Shaq - my man -
But the bright yellow was always so inviting and
After all, Shaq wore yellow and I'd even get the Butterfinger in King Size
Just like my man
Because when you're a kid, everything makes sense like that, even if it really doesn't and
That's just the way it is sometimes.
So I went to the store, now craving some candy and
They didn't have the regular sized bar that I was looking for but
I bought a King Size bar anyway and it didn't used to cost so much but
I guess that's just the way it is in these times
I told myself I'd only eat half the bar anyway and save the rest for later
I paid for my candy to the lady cashier
I said "salamat po" and she smiled in surprise
She reminded me of my Lola and maybe I remind her of someone too.
I left the store, and saw the 9 bus coming,
I ran to catch it and it stopped but
Just as I approached it, the bus driver drove away and
I'm not sure why but
I guess he didn't see me and
I guess no one on the bus said anything to him and
I started to curse the driver in my head and
Continued on home but
Then I remembered that candy in my pocket and
Then I was happy again.
Sometimes you think bad of people, even after meeting nice people and
You might forget the nice people that you just met and I guess that
That's just the way it is sometimes, but
It doesn't have to be.
And sometimes you'll find a remedy to your small problems and
Sometimes you provided that remedy to yourself and
Helped yourself before you even knew you'd need it but
That's just the way it is sometimes, like
When you wake up and decide to do something else good for yourself instead of a different thing good for yourself or
When you kick yourself for almost being late but know that there wasn't anything you could do about it and you
End up not being late but are understanding to the guy after you that was late or
When you stick around even when you have other things to do and
Listen to someone about their family and their life and
Realize you made a friend in the process, or
When you're drawn to the beautiful yellow even on the side of a dirty street gutter and
You're reminded of your childhood and
You spend a little extra on something you don't need and
You can't wait to tell a certain person what a wonderful average day you've just had
Even though you just saw them that morning and, well,
I guess that's just the way it is sometimes
and perhaps do some laundry, but you know, it's summer,
and my hours of productivity range anywhere from
6 in the morning to 3 in the morning because
there's more sunlight and because
your friends are happier and available at more hours of the day and
that's just the way that it is sometimes,
so I didn't get up right away and
instead lay in bed for a while but
I had breakfast with Lenny, and
he helped me clean the apartment a bit and
Sometimes your best memories come out of those late mornings when
it's just you and your S.O. in an empty apartment
cleaning
and
that's just the way that it is sometimes.
And then we left for work and school and
we thought we were going to be late and
I did not want to inconvenience a colleague eager to end their shift and
It was my first day working the front desk and
I was a little anxious but
I wasn't late, my colleague was not inconvenienced, and my anxieties were calmed
That's just the way it is sometimes.
My shift came to an end, and then my colleague was late but
I didn't mind and
I stuck around for a bit while he showed me his bead work and
Told me about his family and
His plans for the summer;
I was hungry and eager to get to the rest of my day but
I learned about him and
He asked me if I was busy later and
I think it was worth it to get to know him because
I made a new friend and he made a new friend and
I was too busy to hang out tonight but
We have all summer and
That's just the way it is sometimes.
So I started to walk home in my feaux hawk and work polo
I got a few stares but
Not too many
Funny how that works - I dress to stand out, in all the right ways, yet
In Berkeley it doesn't matter all that much because we all stand out in all different ways and
That's just the way it is sometimes.
I walked down Shattuck and saw a candy wrapper on the floor
Butterfinger
Bright yellow paper, crumpled and torn and
Right away I thought of my childhood
In those days, I'd be torn myself between
A bright yellow wrapper holding a delicious Butterfinger and
A papery blue wrapper holding a less delicious Crunch bar which
I always thought was Shaq's favorite bar
After all, he was in those commercials and
I wanted to be just like Shaq - my man -
But the bright yellow was always so inviting and
After all, Shaq wore yellow and I'd even get the Butterfinger in King Size
Just like my man
Because when you're a kid, everything makes sense like that, even if it really doesn't and
That's just the way it is sometimes.
So I went to the store, now craving some candy and
They didn't have the regular sized bar that I was looking for but
I bought a King Size bar anyway and it didn't used to cost so much but
I guess that's just the way it is in these times
I told myself I'd only eat half the bar anyway and save the rest for later
I paid for my candy to the lady cashier
I said "salamat po" and she smiled in surprise
She reminded me of my Lola and maybe I remind her of someone too.
I left the store, and saw the 9 bus coming,
I ran to catch it and it stopped but
Just as I approached it, the bus driver drove away and
I'm not sure why but
I guess he didn't see me and
I guess no one on the bus said anything to him and
I started to curse the driver in my head and
Continued on home but
Then I remembered that candy in my pocket and
Then I was happy again.
Sometimes you think bad of people, even after meeting nice people and
You might forget the nice people that you just met and I guess that
That's just the way it is sometimes, but
It doesn't have to be.
And sometimes you'll find a remedy to your small problems and
Sometimes you provided that remedy to yourself and
Helped yourself before you even knew you'd need it but
That's just the way it is sometimes, like
When you wake up and decide to do something else good for yourself instead of a different thing good for yourself or
When you kick yourself for almost being late but know that there wasn't anything you could do about it and you
End up not being late but are understanding to the guy after you that was late or
When you stick around even when you have other things to do and
Listen to someone about their family and their life and
Realize you made a friend in the process, or
When you're drawn to the beautiful yellow even on the side of a dirty street gutter and
You're reminded of your childhood and
You spend a little extra on something you don't need and
You can't wait to tell a certain person what a wonderful average day you've just had
Even though you just saw them that morning and, well,
I guess that's just the way it is sometimes
4.28.2009
Ever After
...happily and romantically, I'm sure of it.
Do you ever play and replay love stories in your head of times that happened, that will never happen, that you wish never happened, and that just may still have a chance of happening?
I have... I still do. In those instances, I'm sometimes met by nostalgia, longing, confusion, guilt, and even butterflies.
It's fun to play with the what-if(s) and reply the what-did(s); for me, I'm able to learn more about myself, how I've changed, and what I'm looking for in a SO.
Also, it fills me with the satisfaction that everything happens for a reason, the gratification that comes from knowing that once in a while, the stars do align in my favor, and the faith that sounds like: 'hey, if things have worked out this well so far, why not have a happily-ever-after?'
Yes, I am convinced that my life is one epic love story.
quotable:
Do you ever play and replay love stories in your head of times that happened, that will never happen, that you wish never happened, and that just may still have a chance of happening?
I have... I still do. In those instances, I'm sometimes met by nostalgia, longing, confusion, guilt, and even butterflies.
It's fun to play with the what-if(s) and reply the what-did(s); for me, I'm able to learn more about myself, how I've changed, and what I'm looking for in a SO.
Also, it fills me with the satisfaction that everything happens for a reason, the gratification that comes from knowing that once in a while, the stars do align in my favor, and the faith that sounds like: 'hey, if things have worked out this well so far, why not have a happily-ever-after?'
Yes, I am convinced that my life is one epic love story.
quotable:
A: "...smiling makes me really happy..."
L: "Your smile makes me happy."
3.01.2009
Friendship
...is a funny concept at this stage of life. How do you describe the people that you call friends?
-We have a shared history, and we haven't spoken in months, but she knows that I am there for her if she needs me
-I trust her
-He's always down to hang out, and it's always a great time
-He's always there to talk to me about the melodramas of a college student
-When we hang out, it's cool, but there is still an out-of-sight, out-of-mind thing going on
-We have a lot of shared interests. A lot. It's pretty ridiculous.
-I love her
-And him too
When I was young, I got into the habit of immediately labeling someone as my 'friend', even though we had just met that day. I think it came out of growing up in a military family and having to move around a bit. You were my friend if you:
-Welcomed me at recess or lunch
-Played basketball with me
-Partnered with me during classwork
In fact, from there stemmed a lot of the best friends that I have today.
And now, I use the term friend and best friend pretty interchangeably. Sometimes I feel that to not call my good friends 'best friend' would be to sell our relationship short.
So it goes. I'm a big talker (and listener, I hope). It almost doesn't matter if we have different interests, a different sense of humor, or different experiences... If I can talk for an hour straight with you, I immediately feel that 'best friend' closeness, and I only want to get closer.
So what's the problem? I argue that by today's standards, everyone is looking for a friend, a best friend, or a significant other. The lines aren't supposed to blur, the titles shouldn't overlap. Each role has its own specifications. People get uncomfortable when I interchange the meanings, afraid that I am getting too close for my own good. So what's the problem? It wasn't a problem, for me.
Until now. Maybe I'm buying into what society is teaching me is "right".
When it comes down to it, we all aren't looking for a 'friend', a 'best friend', or a 'significant other'. We're just looking for a human connection.
To my best friend: I am here for you because you need me. You may need me to step up to help you find the strength in yourself. You may need me to step back to allow you to use that strength. To my best friend: Thank you for listening to me, for holding me, without judgment. To my best friend: I miss you.
Maybe these words get tossed around too much for some, but I like it. To my best friend: I love you.
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